A Legendary Basketball Coach Gets Upset, A Punk Rock Icon's Parents, and Disney World Pancakes: How Leading With Radical Kindness Is Transformational
The 3-Word Quote: “Kindness Over Comfort”
1.
Basketball coach Dean Smith was having a problem with one of his players at practice.
The player continued to make the same mistake on the same play.
Same play, same mistake, same player - the kid couldn't get it right.
Smith was the coach at The University of North Carolina, a legendary basketball program, and he had seen enough of the error at practice.
He blew the whistle and stopped the practice.
He called the player who was making a mistake over to him and left his assistant, Bill Guthridge, to instruct the rest of the players.
Coach Smith was known for his easygoing demeanor but was frustrated with this player.
So Smith personally called Makhtar N'Diaye over to figure out why the player kept screwing up the play.
Smith talked to him; he wanted to figure out why his player couldn’t get this play right.
But Smith became even more agitated because he didn't think N'Diaye was paying attention to his lecture.
The coach was upset about the play but even more irritated about his player's body language.
You see, the player wasn't even looking at the coach - N'Diaye clearly wasn't paying attention.
And Smith was mad.
Why the player wasn't listening and what the coach did about it was legendary.
2.
Iggy Pop is a controversial punk rock icon. He has been called the 'Godfather of Punk' and was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2010.
According to a Rolling Stone article, here are a few things Iggy has done:
Vomited on stage - and on his audience
Became addicted to heroin
Cut himself on stage with glass
Passed out in bathrooms at concerts
Checked into a mental institution
Created multiple albums of punk rock music over decades
And he's survived it all.
Iggy Pop, born James Osterberg, is almost 75 and still touring.
Gone are most of the wild days, though he looks like he has squeezed every ounce of life out of his body.
What has remained is his long hair - and, of course, the music.
Often, people wonder about people who have lived lives out of the mainstream. They wonder why he did what he did and how he survived it all.
But Iggy's life started in a small trailer where he lived with his parents.
And what Iggy did later in life is likely a result of what his parents did to him in that tiny trailer while he was young.
3.
It's hard to imagine a grumpy, gruff employee at Disney World.
Grumpy, gruff, and tired parents at Disney World? Well, that's common.
But a grouchy employee is rare.
But Kevin Brown and his family seemed to find one the morning while visiting at breakfast.
Brown, his wife, and son walked into a Disney restaurant and were seated.
But Brown's son has autism, has several dietary restrictions, and only eats specific things.
Brown tried to explain this to the waitress but was stopped mid-sentence.
She turned away and gruffly told Brown to save his explanation for the chef.
The grumpy waitress brought the chef to the breakfast table.
Unlike the waitress, the chef was not grumpy.
Her name was Bea, and she smiled at Brown's son and asked what he wanted for breakfast.
So Brown told Bea about his son and his 'special' diet.
The chef listened attentively and asked what the young boy wanted to eat.
Brown's son only ate a few specific items and wanted apple pancakes for breakfast.
Chef Bea smiled at him and said she'd love to make the pancakes but couldn't.
She simply didn't have the ingredients.
Brown said he understood, and Chef Bea sweetly offered some bacon and eggs instead.
It was a relatively uneventful breakfast.
But Brown said this day at Disney was one he would never forget - and it involved Chef Bea.
The Takeaway:
So what do an angry basketball coach, a punk rocker's parents, and breakfast at Disney World all have in common?
They are all examples of how radical kindness elevates experiences. In other words, simply leading with extreme care of others can produce extraordinary results.
Coach Dean Smith was a basketball coaching legend.
His teams appeared in 11 Final Fours and won 879 games over 36 years at The University of North Carolina.
He was also Michael Jordan's college coach.
And Jordan considered him a second father - many players did.
But much of the players' feelings toward him didn't come because he was a good coach - they respected him because he was a good man.
A kind man.
Their respect came from his kindness.
But Coach Smith was also intense, and he did get frustrated.
Like he did at Makhtar N'Diaye, who couldn't get the play right.
And the coach became more irritated because when he tried to correct N'Diaye, the player wouldn't look at him.
Coach Smith coached kids to be good players, but good men too - and he demanded players pay attention and look people in the eye when speaking. It was a matter of respect.
So Coach Smith exploded when N'Diaye messed up the play and wouldn't look at him.
He said, 'Son, look at me when I'm talking to you.'
But N'Diaye wasn't disrespecting his coach - he was paying attention.
But it was true that he wasn't looking at Coach Smith.
But it was for a reason.
N'Diaye was from Senegal in Africa.
He told Coach Smith that making eye contact with elders was considered disrespectful in his culture.
His culture impacted the way he communicated.
Smith listened to his player's explanation and sent him back to practice with the rest of the players.
Smith said he understood N'Diaye's behavior.
But he knew he didn't really understand.
The next day at practice, Bill Guthridge was absent. And Guthridge wasn't there the day after or the day after that.
The assistant coach's absence lasted about a week.
No one knew where he was.
Then, a few days into the absence, N'Diaye received a phone call from his mother, who still lived in Senegal.
N'Diaye's mother said there was a strange man at her house.
She said the man claimed he was her son's basketball coach.
And it was.
Bill Guthridge had traveled across the world to visit N'Diaye's home country.
But why was Guthridge there?
Coach Smith had sent him there.
Smith had instructed his assistant coach to go to his player's house and learn firsthand about his family's customs, community, and culture.
Because Smith was mad - at himself, he felt he should have known why the player wasn't looking at him.
He felt he should have known why he was acting the way he was.
He felt he should have known more about his player.
So he sent his assistant thousands of miles away so that he could understand his player better.
It wasn't what a good coach did; it was what a good person did.
That's radical kindness.
It was a sign of respect.
N'Diaye wasn't even one of the best players on the team.
But he was Coach Smith's player - and that's all that mattered.
Smith Died in 2015, and upon his death, N'Diaye received a check for $200 from his former coach.
In fact, all of Smith's former players received a check for $200 because he had written into his will.
His will stated that with the $200, he wanted his players to 'enjoy a dinner out, compliments of Coach Dean Smith.'
An amazing gift.
But it's what you do when you lead with kindness.
***
Iggy Pop spent years playing songs and shocking audiences.
It was what he did; it was his career.
But before being a punk superstar, he was a young kid growing up in a small one-bedroom mobile home.
His parents' bedroom took up most of the 380-square-foot trailer.
And his parents would play a prominent role in what he would become.
What kind of parents would raise a musician who threw up on stage, cut himself, took drugs, and checked himself in a mental institution?
Turns out pretty good parents, actually.
His parents, like most parents, were kind and loving towards him.
His choices in adulthood were his.
But when he was younger, his parents doted on him. But Iggy's parents never had much to offer - except loads of support.
And that was enough.
They encouraged their son to pursue all things - especially art and music.
And when Iggy became more serious about music, his parents supported that, too.
And when Iggy wanted to play drums, his parents found a way to purchase them.
And when Iggy needed a place to set up the drum set and play them…well, that was nearly impossible because of the tiny trailer the family lived in.
But the Osterbergs always supported and encouraged their son in any way they could.
They would make it work if he needed a play to play the drums.
So, Iggy's parents moved out of their bedroom.
They gave up the only bedroom in the mobile home - and gave it to their son - so he could practice drums.
They couldn't give their son many material goods, but they could give Iggy their only space.
And so the one bedroom in the mobile home became a music room.
They didn't expect their son to become a music star.
They didn't expect he would turn music into a career.
They just saw he had an interest, and they made it easier for him to pursue that interest.
And in that small room in that small mobile home is where a music star was born.
Thanks to his parents.
And Iggy never forgot it.
It might seem small. After all, parents often make sacrifices for their children all the time.
But like Coach Smith, the Osterbergs saw someone in need - and they gave what was necessary.
Even when Pop lived a life of excess and struggling, he said, 'My mother never gave up on me.'
***
Disney is a place where dreams come true.
Unless you're Kevin Brown's son - he wanted apple pancakes for breakfast.
But that wasn't coming true.
The kind chef explained she couldn't make those pancakes - she didn't have the ingredients.
The chef was friendly, and Brown understood.
But the next day, his son wanted to return to the same restaurant for breakfast to see friendly Chef Bea.
So the following day, off they went.
The family arrived at the same restaurant and sat at the same table the day before.
And out came Chef Bea to greet them.
She didn't know the Brown family would be returning, but she remembered them from the morning before.
And she remembered that Brown's son liked apple pancakes.
So when she greeted the family, Bea asked his son if he wanted apple pancakes.
But Brown told Bea he thought the restaurant didn't have what was needed to make the pancakes.
Bea said I didn't yesterday; I do today.
She explained that on her way home, she stopped at the grocery store and purchased all the supplies to make apple pancakes - just the way Brown's son liked them.
Brown was stunned.
No one asked her to go to the store.
She didn't ask permission to do it.
Disney wasn't aware she did this.
She just did it - she saw a need and made a decision rooted in kindness.
Chef Bea had no idea the Brown family would return to the restaurant, but she thought it would be nice to have the supplies just in case.
And the Browns did return - because Chef Bea had shown them kindness the day before.
And this time, she had apple pancakes, too.
***
A trip to Africa, giving up a bedroom, buying ingredients for a favorite meal.
These tasks are rooted in radical kindness.
Completing actions based on kindness is simple but challenging.
Failures of kindness are frequent. We don’t react as we should because it can be inconvenient; it can be tiring; we don’t think others would do the same for us.
It’s easy to let these opportunities slide by without taking action.
But kindness isn't transactional - the people showing kindness weren't looking for anything in return.
Kindness is transformational - for both parties involved.
But before those acts of kindness happened, someone had to see and appreciate others' needs.
A player, a son, a customer - all needed different things.
And they all had someone deliver what they needed because someone took time to see - and took action to provide more than was expected.
Because that's empathy - that's radical kindness.
Kindness is often the exception, but maybe we should make it the expectation.
Forward this to someone who would like it
3 things before you go:
Listen: Iggy Pop’s Lust For Life: probably Pop’s most well-know song; picture young Iggy playing the drums in his parents’ bedroom as you listen.
Watch: George Saunders Some Thoughts On Kindness: much watched speech from the author; his phrase ‘failure of kindness’ is great
Read: Derek Sivers You Can Afford To Be Generous: another short, classic essay from Sivers on generosity and kindness
Thanks for reading. It’s 3:33 on 3/3 - perhaps, the3mix’s favorite time and day. See you in 10 days.
-Jeff